Monday, November 16, 2009

Rain on the Parade

This is a post dedicated to the people that ruin it for everyone.

I know at least 10 women, off the top of my head, who have been assaulted with sexual intent or raped.

I know two women who lied about being raped as a way to get back at a man for rejecting them.

I know four people who were so seriously mentally ill they had to be institutionalized for their own safety.

I know two people who pretended to be mentally ill so others would stop demanding they apologize for cruel things they did.

I know ten racial minorities who have experienced violent racism.

I know one who lied about discrimination so she could humiliate a coworker.

I know these ruiners aren't talked about.

I know we police and counter-police and re-police ourselves so hard. “Everytime I screw up, I put women back at this company.” “Every time I can’t “act normal”, I prove that mentally ill people can’t be integrated into the public sphere.” “Every time I eat a certain food, I reinforce stereotypes about my racial/ethnic/cultural group.”

I know those things aren’t true, and I force myself to believe. I force myself to believe that everyone turns a report in late, that even “normal” people aren’t always normal, and you can eat whatever the hell you want. I tear myself apart over it.

I know that I hate, hate, hate the people that I “have to make up for”. I hate that lazy woman coworker for making me look bad. Every time I look into my boss’s eyes I can see him thinking how all women act like that. I want to strangle her, screaming, “STOP REFLECTING ON ME” and I want to strangle him for forcing me into this mental category with HER simply because we both share a vagina.

I know I hate him for making make up for her deficits and I hate her for doing that as well. And I hate myself for allowing them to do this to me. And then I hate them for making me hate myself. And on and on the cycle goes.

This post is about those people. Those people that ruin everything. Those traitors who kick our legs out from underneath us. Those surprise enemies. Those entitled people who take our threadbare rights and use them as a doormat.

I know that when I say that women under-report rape and women are unjustly treated like liars, I think of the ten. And every time I say this to someone, they mention the two.

I don’t know what to do about that.